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A suggestion - resonance, over visibility.

For most of this tumblr blog, I’ve been trying to think about how to make my being-gay (for the sake of this post, it’s easier to say gay instead of bi), visible. My preoccupations have been with the oppression of having to be in a closet, of the need to have to come out in order to be publicly gay, of having to self and publicly identify as gay (as a stereotype), and about how exactly I can live my life with the fact of being gay being true…and yet to not have my gayness mark me any more differently than any straight person’s orientation does. I’ve been wondering about how to like men, yet not fall into the category/stereotype of ‘gay’ and all the cultural baggage attached from the departure gate.

My problem has largely been about having visibility, and yet not being consumed by this fact of myself being visible; I want to be known as gay, to be able to acknowledge being gay, and to be visible as gay. Yet, this basic visibility immediately opens me up to being just-gay, to being a stereotype, because having to make my gayness visible tends to overwhelm anything else I am. In order to initiate a relationship, to experience this part of myself (which, being an attraction, does dwell with others and not solely myself), I need to be visible as gay in order to make a date possible.

At first, I thought about the idea of being open, not out - basically, of just acknowledging my sexual orientation freely without worrying about coming out of the closet to anybody. But, this is a very limited option: if no one asks, how will they ever know? I’ve only recently begun finding out people’s sexual orientations being similar to mine, around me, but that is because I’ve never thought to ask and it took an accident to prompt questioning at all. Further (but I will post later on this), it is harder to affirm your gayness when you are bisexual, and hence I can join in with my heterosexual friends in appreciating the beauty of women and not face questions or be able to say I like men too.

Last week, I was listening to a lecture by the philosopher Simon Critchley - this man is one of the foremost Levinas scholars, and so I may want to do my doctorate with him some day down the line. He was lecturing about politics, and he was discussing a shift in the focus and goals of public protests. In the 60’s through to the 90’s, the goal of social activism was for protests to be visible. Large crowds would protest and show popular opinion, creating a space to be seen in, so that their voices might be made visible. However, Critchley points out, there has been a shift towards public protests holding resonance (as opposed to visibility). What I have taken this to mean is that we want not to be visible, not to be heard, but to be felt - to resonate our sexualities to those around us. Imagine striking a tuning fork against the side of an empty wine glass, and hearing the sound resonate throughout a table full of empty glasses - my being gay must be felt by those around, not merely seen.

And so, now, a possible tool - resonance. It is not a problem of having to be seen as gay - again, if my being-gay has to be announced, it immediately becomes “the thing” about me, a central and all consuming fact which (remembering Foucault) then filters all other facts about me. Instead, I must strive for a way of my sexual orientation to be one bit of sound, sung amongst multiple infinite others, reverberating off of those with whom I interact, instead of one visible thing protesting for its place in everyone’s view. I know this is convoluted - I can only sketch what I am feeling at the moment, but I hold hope in this idea.

I guess the idea would be to freely integrate my sexual orientation into my daily life, such that whenever I am grabbed by a fancy towards a guy, I should simply act as if he could be gay, that he could be homosexually oriented; the idea being that I should avoid acting afraid because of assumed straightness. Perhaps, if I can cease to worry about my sexual orientation being an important and limiting presence to my mind and heart, if I stop fretting about having to make myself visible as gay, I can allow the simple fact that I like boys as well as (and, for the moment, more so than) girls to resonate with those I meet.

How to make this work, this is the question…

No words to describe how much of a personal hero this man has become…

(via girlswholikeboysthatlikeboys)

What do I use tumblr for? Why an account, why do I post what I do?

More importantly, why does this question matter - does it matter? And, why am I asking - why now?

I haven’t really posted anything since the middle of April; basically, throughout my tiresome and overwhelming second semester, right up until my exams, I was thinking and writing a lot. However, since then, I have not written much. Hence, this post - I want to know why I actually use tumblr, to gain a bit of direction now that my impetus to write has mysteriously vanished.

I was first introduced to tumblr by proxy, by an immensely cute boy - one who unfortunately caught me in the grips of a crush which lasted way longer and was more powerful than it had any right to be. One day in January, I saw his picture in a friend’s Facebook photo collection; after a bit of asking, I found out his name, and through google came to his tumblr - not healthy at all, for it opened up an entire soul to my love-deprived heart, and I fell for him. Fell hard. I joined tumblr because he had it, but I had no idea about what to use it for. So, I just decided to post a few random thoughts, to see if anyone (well, basically, my crush) would take notice.

My crush never did message, nor did he ever follow me - this was disheartening. However, as I tried harder and harder at doing the one thing I am even remotely good at (writing), I began to pick up followers. Other people came into my view, aside from just my crush - there were other people, much to my surprise, who had felt what I had felt, had similar experiences, people who connected to me and with whom I could connect. Being queer, being one who over thinks everything, begin in thought and desirous of conversation…

I was no longer alone, and better yet, I had the ability to contribute to the conversations all over tumblr. Others and I could communicate - something I am terrible at in real life - because of tumblr. And, it felt awesome. It still feels awesome.

So, what do I write, and why do I write it?

I write my thoughts. Back in second year, I bought a nice moleskine journal and began to write in it; I wouldn’t intentionally write anything, but rather I treated it as a stock of paper, ready for whatever ideas happened to come to mind. Over time (especially when I seriously began to study philosophy in Belgium), I began to experience so many ideas and my own reactions to them that I finally felt confident in having a voice, in being of some worth to life because at least I could think. This is what I write: my voice, my encounters with ideas, my thoughts on my own experiences. I still write adamantly in my moleskin, but now I also share with others on tumblr.

Why I write should be fairly obvious by now - I want to converse, to share my little tiny part of life, and I suppose to be able to contribute something, and to hear back. Ever since I returned from Belgium, I have lacked a community of philosophy-oriented students with whom I can meaningfully discuss and share ideas. I haven’t much to say unless it intellectual because engaging with my thoughts and those of others is what most interests me, and so I tend to be a void in conversations, and in a sense alienated from those around me because a) I don’t want to discuss philosophy for the sake of not boring others, and b) because I don’t know how to turn it off and not be philosophical.

Tumblr is my refuge, my place to be intellectual, to engage intellectually, and to hear from those I follow. My likes are filled with quotes to contemplate, posts to discuss, and a fairly guilty indulgence in gay relationships (each cute couple kissing gives me a moment’s hope for such bliss down the road, and it always feels good to know others are sharing in what I one day hope to share in); my posts are my perspectives and feelings, my reblogs are that which I find beautiful or inspiring, and my life falls in between the two.

By the way, I don’t write because I think I’m right, or because I have anything of value to say - I simply present myself amongst others because this is what I know how to do, and it is my escape from that stupid ivory tower which is built up around those who find such joy in thinking. I value each of my followers, but wonder - what do you read me for, and what do you do with tumblr?

Cheers for conversation and thanks to tumblr.

Shame is (perhaps) a virtue for those with infinite lives to live, in a finite world.

However, since (at least I) have but one life to live, in an infinite world, I must persevere to live beyond shame.

The present is never meaningless; it may and must never be sacrificed.

It is all the time we shall ever have, it is all the time we shall ever need.

Behind us, the infinite Done, the culmination of which is the instant of the present. As with all future, which is the infinite not-Done. All that has never been is there. It is open, vast, completely contingent, conceptually potent, but yet completely false. It does not exist, nothing of what could be is there.

We only have the present moment.

(inspiration from reading Levinas)

As he underlined his text the pen he was using suddenly gave out for a moment, leaving a dent without permanence before resuming its flow of ink. Against the age of the book, the dimmed letters, the yellowed pages, such an effect seemed rather all the more perfect and complete, if not symbolically, then merely aesthetically.

underfundedagony:

British Gay Marriage Commercial

This is adorable …and amazing.

(via girlswholikeboysthatlikeboys)